Rioters

Ever pull your hamstring and sprain your wrist while trying to escape from a mob at Ted Greenberg's off broadway show? Well, you wait yet. Those people are superbly intelligent fun loving and secretly untameable animals. This is the before shot. I am typing this with one hand and an eye patch.

my conquest of last Saturday night

In fact, yes, this hot chick.

Hot chick & demystification

This hot chick totally fawning over me is an oil tycoon in Mesopotamia.

Eastern European Sausage Party

An unemployed war photographer took this picture after last Saturday. I am pretty sure the guy in blue used to be the President of Georgia.

Open Bar Saturday

Greenberg is trying to kill me. Whenever he has open bars, the audience starts gettinga little too wild. Like less playful domesticated puppy dog-wild, more foaming at the mouth scary baby you found in the woods-wild.

But do they get more wild than the mascot, you ask?

1. of course not because
2. I have a slingshot and a drinking problem.

The end!

Boycott the New York Times

This article about mascots in the New York Times is the last straw. It's an article about "mascots" with no mention of the Burger Method or ME. It's just a profile about bullshit foamy costumes. It had so little substance I'm surprised that seven foot tall blonde Style lady didnt write it.

And FYI, I went to Mascot Academy with the Rooster in this picture and he has forty five nipples.

Society, sucking of

I think I can draw some major sociological conclusions just by looking at the people who decide not to have sex with me. Everyone under 30 is hot but clearly demented. Notice these 2 pictures: Before, without Greenberg: hot girls totally not interested in me. After, with Greenberg: hot girls still totally not interested in me.
I dont even need to mention the Herbinger Stuidy where it was found that 5 out of 7 children born in the tri state area in the 1980s were cocaine babies.

Correction.

I mean to say: "Misters Strunk" not Mr. Strunks.

Answers to Your Questions

First of all, yes, I have been "in a cave" the past 2 weeks. If by "in a cave" you mean emotionally recuperating from getting laid off at my part time gig as the Salvation Army mascot. All the better: more time to devote to BTM!

Second of all: No. I'm not "developmentally delayed", I just can't talk during my performance in THE COMPLETE PERFORMER. Even the pelvic thrusts are carefully thought out.

THIRD OF ALL, all you MR STRUNKS out there: YES, SOMETIMES I FORGET TO TAKE OFF CAPSLOCK. so what.

Bill Bradley and his mistress

Me, another hot chick, and the cockblock of the evening

See the way she's looking at me? You would think this would have ended at my apartment with her in my arms. Yes. Well 2 seconds after this was taken, Playboy Greenberg grabbed her ass and she fled.

Me and a hot chick, otra vez

And yes, I like them both equally.

MOST IMPORTANT CORRECTION

I have been informed by Greenberg that the two people to the left and right of me are not "ladies".

First of all, thanks a lot, smarty pants.

Second of all, an explanation for non-performers: the hour or two after a show is sort of like the hour or two after eating four boxes of Frosted Flakes. You're still a little messed in the head. You make questionable decisions. Sort of like you're temporarily Plaxico Burress.

Same equation, same result

Me plus the sexy ladies equals baby time.

Thanksgiving Full of Hell

Spend time with your family this blessed holiday? Me too. Blessed, blessed day.

Nothing more wonderful than eating and spending countless hours with Ted Greenberg, a bunch of nincompoop 5 year olds, and his bald Pinocchio.

Greenberg did not appreciate my putting Pinocchio in the oven like the Pilgrims intended. The children however, loved it.

Seriously I can't stop myself

They say I am a ladies' man

And they are correct. This Saturday's show was basically Christmas for all who got to witness my moves at the halftime show.... and I must say Greenberg was the non-mascot man of the night.

Me and High Art

So Lee Greenwood, the guy in the American flag jumpsuit on the right who wrote the country music song "God Bless America", has been appointed by George Bush to a SIX YEAR TERM on the council for the National Endowment for the Arts.

This is excellent news for mascots. And exotic dancers. Just because we are "fun" doesn't mean we shouldn't also get government money to create our art.

I'm writing grant money applications now. Drafts to come.

Greenberg Behind A Wheel

Ted Greenberg has announced officially that one (or a gang) of lucky people...person...(er?) who come to THE COMPLETE PERFORMER will be given a ride home. By him.

So you're asking...is it safe to get behind the wheel with a madman? According to the New York Taxi and Limousine Commission, absolutely.

No comment.

Mad Love For My Lady.

Plus a few token men.

Oh

It has been brought to my attention that my phone has been disconnected. This explains why "it has not been ringing". So for sexual requests, come see me bring the ruckus with Ted Greenberg in the Complete Performer this Saturday at 10:30 PM!

And yes, I found this picture by googling "sexy dog".

High Spirits

So, last Saturday's 10:30 show at the Soho Playhouse was an ass kicking ass kicker of a good time. Many of my female groupies from the 90s came out... with their perfunctory "husbands" (I can read between the lines, ladies..you know my phone number!).

Insider Trading

Ted Greenberg took me to the Knicks/Mavericks game last night as a "thank you so much for making the show so wonderful on Saturday". Actually he didn't say that but it was implied.

This morning, lo and behold, it was announced that Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban is in official trouble for insider trading.

Which is where they always get people who are associated with Dallas. Because there is no law against being a douchebag.

In more important news, there is officially nothing more retarded than the Knicks halftime Mascots. Their Halftime Advisory Board (HAB) should eliminate everything except for the Knicks City Dancers. And yes, I mean kill them.

First Major Decision

Thanksgiving is near. This means the Presidential Turkey pardon is also near. The Bush administration should let Barack Obama make this decision.

A few thoughts. Obama should:
1. pardon a turkey.
2. secretly send it to Gitmo.
3. let the "prisoners" adopt the turkey as an unlikely but soul-affirming pet.
4. make a hit Hollywood Movie called Cranberry, The Guantanamo Bay Turkey
5. Set the Thanksgiving Day Parade Barney float on fire

The end

Pinnochio

Ted Greenberg is adding a new character to our gang at THE COMPLETE PERFORMER. A dummy. You can say that again.

I'm sorry if I think that it's CLEAR that another member of the dysfunctional family is only going to distract from its greatest asset: me.

Whatever. At least I will never have to know how it feels to have Ted Greenberg's hand up my butt.

Example of Jail Lady

Matching Outfits

Barack Obama and George W Bush wear the same outfits like, all the time. Is this the official US Presidential White House Tour Outfit?

It reminds me of jail. It's probably much better than regular jail. Better food and ladies.

Oh and don't touch.

That just means, no grabbing the breasts of young women, even if you ARE wearing gorilla hands. They are still technically “your hands” in a court of law.

See this gorilla gently explaining the law to a convicted felon.

Behind the Ambulance

I think this Behind The Mascot post from August makes this point:

"We mascots have a saying: Don’t eat, don’t touch. That just means, no snacking in your mascot mask. Several of us have choked to death that way. Sandy Anders was dead for 49 minutes and four thousand people stood by and laughed and whooped and clapped and did the wave, thinking the giant rooster was making a dramatic comment on their `deadness'."

I think I said it best in 1996: "I am the only person worth quoting."

Mascot Food My Ass

This is Greenberg's breakdown for his show (Opening this Saturday at 10:30 PM!! at the soho playhouse!). The man has no respect for me or mascots in general. None.

Rachel Maddow

In this article on Rachel Maddow in New York magazine, the MSNBC host admits to once dressing as a Mascot! In a calculator costume. What a beautiful combination. Brains and Mascot Pride.

I've met many calculator mascots in my day--and even the lesbians make an exception in my case. I'm just saying.

Hello and yes

As someone who can't legally *vote* in the United States, I'd like to say I am especially proud of everyone who voted Republican. Because it takes balls to not know what you're doing.

I should note that I have been arrested several times by Republicans.

What the hell is McCain doing in this bunny costume?

Thank Fucking God

Minor correction

In my previous advice column I poked fun at "Ted" for using the term "mascot head", a term that only dingbats use. Some of you pointed out that I used that term 2 posts ago. Some of you should stick with what you know. Like how to chase a poodle around for 17 hours.

New! Advice Column!

The time has come. You knew it would. The Mascot Advice Column. Look for it every Tuesday.

Dear Mascot,

The inside of my mascot head has become odorous through use. Can you recommend a disinfectant and de-oderizer that won’t damage the foam or the padding?

Ted

Dear "Ted",

Thank you for your question. First I would recommend that you stop using words that show you have no idea idea what you're talking about. When you say "mascot head", I believe what you mean to say is the POSTERIOR VENTRAL FACE MASK. Where "face" is pronounced, "fah-chay". Like PACE, the universal Italian call for communism.

That said: Febreze, Downy dryer inserts, and a 6 month supply of Sham WOW.

Please write again; I know everything.

Mascot Greenberg

Sex costume

I'm not going to say *who* but a certain lots of people have hinted they will have sex with me in exchange for temporary use of the mascot head. And the answer is no.

(The answer is actually yes. Greenberg said no but I say yes. Please call me.)

Hallowe'en

Happy Halloween, kids! I was out sick yesterday with the tequila flu.

Halloween is a good time to see people pretending to be mascots. But the truth is, every time you see a two year year old stuffed in a pumpkin suit, he's really just an unconscious purveyor of Celtic paranoia.

I have to go put on a red leather jacket.

What do you think?

Democracy Mascot

American democracy needs a new mascot. What KIND of mascot?

Trick question. I'm still thinking about it. For now I'll say No Mascot. Final answer. Not even this predictable break-dancing panda.

I think American voters don't need a mascot for election Day. American voters--believe it or not--will vote anyway. I'm not sure why but they seem to be a little nutty about it.

Maybe a squirrel?

Correction: poodle

OK, Poodle Rights Watch. What I meant was I would have shot the poodle with a little baby taser gun.

Population control

A poodle named Choochy "escaped" from his family and delayed flights at Logan airport this weekend.

They couldn't catch him for SEVENTEEN HOURS. What an attention hog.

Hate to say it, but after 10 minutes I would have just shot it.

Nice publicity idea

Carnival Cruise Lines set a gigantic beach ball loose on the streets of Dallas. A pretty misleading stunt, I think. How about dropping four thousand pounds of roast beef on them and giving them 45 seconds to "see Mexico".

Correction/apology

It has been brought to my attention that the Charlie Rose interview is not actually "about" mascots nor does he ever mention "mascots."

The Mascot is mentioned on Charlie Rose!!!

Ace Greenberg talked to Charlie Rose. About 15 minutes is all about mascots.

Correction

Important correction. I sort of photoshopped the document below to make it look like it should. It doesnt actually say my name in real life.

BTM Made Ted Greenberg's Homepage!!

Who's the remanded defendant now, baby???

Saran Palin's new Leather bound mascot

Carpetbagging Cat

The "unofficial" mascot in a Philadelphia suburb was assassinated this week. With a BB gun.

This is clearly the work of the Mascot Union.