Seriously I can't stop myself

They say I am a ladies' man

And they are correct. This Saturday's show was basically Christmas for all who got to witness my moves at the halftime show.... and I must say Greenberg was the non-mascot man of the night.

Me and High Art

So Lee Greenwood, the guy in the American flag jumpsuit on the right who wrote the country music song "God Bless America", has been appointed by George Bush to a SIX YEAR TERM on the council for the National Endowment for the Arts.

This is excellent news for mascots. And exotic dancers. Just because we are "fun" doesn't mean we shouldn't also get government money to create our art.

I'm writing grant money applications now. Drafts to come.

Greenberg Behind A Wheel

Ted Greenberg has announced officially that one (or a gang) of lucky people...person...(er?) who come to THE COMPLETE PERFORMER will be given a ride home. By him.

So you're asking...is it safe to get behind the wheel with a madman? According to the New York Taxi and Limousine Commission, absolutely.

No comment.

Mad Love For My Lady.

Plus a few token men.

Oh

It has been brought to my attention that my phone has been disconnected. This explains why "it has not been ringing". So for sexual requests, come see me bring the ruckus with Ted Greenberg in the Complete Performer this Saturday at 10:30 PM!

And yes, I found this picture by googling "sexy dog".

High Spirits

So, last Saturday's 10:30 show at the Soho Playhouse was an ass kicking ass kicker of a good time. Many of my female groupies from the 90s came out... with their perfunctory "husbands" (I can read between the lines, ladies..you know my phone number!).

Insider Trading

Ted Greenberg took me to the Knicks/Mavericks game last night as a "thank you so much for making the show so wonderful on Saturday". Actually he didn't say that but it was implied.

This morning, lo and behold, it was announced that Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban is in official trouble for insider trading.

Which is where they always get people who are associated with Dallas. Because there is no law against being a douchebag.

In more important news, there is officially nothing more retarded than the Knicks halftime Mascots. Their Halftime Advisory Board (HAB) should eliminate everything except for the Knicks City Dancers. And yes, I mean kill them.

First Major Decision

Thanksgiving is near. This means the Presidential Turkey pardon is also near. The Bush administration should let Barack Obama make this decision.

A few thoughts. Obama should:
1. pardon a turkey.
2. secretly send it to Gitmo.
3. let the "prisoners" adopt the turkey as an unlikely but soul-affirming pet.
4. make a hit Hollywood Movie called Cranberry, The Guantanamo Bay Turkey
5. Set the Thanksgiving Day Parade Barney float on fire

The end

Pinnochio

Ted Greenberg is adding a new character to our gang at THE COMPLETE PERFORMER. A dummy. You can say that again.

I'm sorry if I think that it's CLEAR that another member of the dysfunctional family is only going to distract from its greatest asset: me.

Whatever. At least I will never have to know how it feels to have Ted Greenberg's hand up my butt.

Example of Jail Lady

Matching Outfits

Barack Obama and George W Bush wear the same outfits like, all the time. Is this the official US Presidential White House Tour Outfit?

It reminds me of jail. It's probably much better than regular jail. Better food and ladies.

Oh and don't touch.

That just means, no grabbing the breasts of young women, even if you ARE wearing gorilla hands. They are still technically “your hands” in a court of law.

See this gorilla gently explaining the law to a convicted felon.

Behind the Ambulance

I think this Behind The Mascot post from August makes this point:

"We mascots have a saying: Don’t eat, don’t touch. That just means, no snacking in your mascot mask. Several of us have choked to death that way. Sandy Anders was dead for 49 minutes and four thousand people stood by and laughed and whooped and clapped and did the wave, thinking the giant rooster was making a dramatic comment on their `deadness'."

I think I said it best in 1996: "I am the only person worth quoting."

Mascot Food My Ass

This is Greenberg's breakdown for his show (Opening this Saturday at 10:30 PM!! at the soho playhouse!). The man has no respect for me or mascots in general. None.

Rachel Maddow

In this article on Rachel Maddow in New York magazine, the MSNBC host admits to once dressing as a Mascot! In a calculator costume. What a beautiful combination. Brains and Mascot Pride.

I've met many calculator mascots in my day--and even the lesbians make an exception in my case. I'm just saying.

Hello and yes

As someone who can't legally *vote* in the United States, I'd like to say I am especially proud of everyone who voted Republican. Because it takes balls to not know what you're doing.

I should note that I have been arrested several times by Republicans.

What the hell is McCain doing in this bunny costume?

Thank Fucking God

Minor correction

In my previous advice column I poked fun at "Ted" for using the term "mascot head", a term that only dingbats use. Some of you pointed out that I used that term 2 posts ago. Some of you should stick with what you know. Like how to chase a poodle around for 17 hours.

New! Advice Column!

The time has come. You knew it would. The Mascot Advice Column. Look for it every Tuesday.

Dear Mascot,

The inside of my mascot head has become odorous through use. Can you recommend a disinfectant and de-oderizer that won’t damage the foam or the padding?

Ted

Dear "Ted",

Thank you for your question. First I would recommend that you stop using words that show you have no idea idea what you're talking about. When you say "mascot head", I believe what you mean to say is the POSTERIOR VENTRAL FACE MASK. Where "face" is pronounced, "fah-chay". Like PACE, the universal Italian call for communism.

That said: Febreze, Downy dryer inserts, and a 6 month supply of Sham WOW.

Please write again; I know everything.

Mascot Greenberg