Wall Street's newest mascot

OK, we're going to need a 3rd grader to dress up like a puppy and become WALL STREET'S CUTEST MASCOT EVER. Like I said, crisis relief is my middle name. Because I'm a mascot.

That's what I'm here for.

I'm high fiving you right now.

Name suggestions?

Nutty the Squirrel!

I think this may be a better mascot for when you get a subpoena.

Mascot to the Rescue!

OK, so there won't be a bailout. However, there will be hope! Because Wall Street's getting a new mascot! It's gonna be me! For now. Until you guys think of a new mascot.

Ideas?

Subpoenas

So Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac got subpoenas . My heart goes out to them. Getting a subpoena is like getting made love to in the ear by a confused squirrel.

Don't sleep outside.

Elephonkey

The Democratic Debate is ON tonight. I can't believe they plan to show this thing without a mascot.

John McCain vs Barack Obama in a debate without a mascot is like watching my grandpa get attacked by ninjas without a mascot.

How about a half donkey half elephant, Albert the Elephonkey. And some cheerleaders in tank tops.

And this week's most adorable sentient being in a dickie award goes to...

Caleb Perelman Bosgang, age 6;
Ted Greenberg Fan.

Fatwa!

Salman Rushdie now has some distinguished company: Mickey Mouse is on the Islamic hit list! Apparently, a Saudi cleric declared Mickey Mouse an agent of Satan.

That doesn't sound real, does it? Well Fox reported it! So it's probably not.

But in any case. My fellow Mascots at Disney may be in danger!

Elegant, Bloodthirsty, yet Friendly

See what I mean? Tell me this is not a good idea.

Just look at the miracles I have worked for Ted Greenberg!

Saving the world, me

Usually I don't weigh in on big issues, but crisis work in public relations needs some innovation.

I may have an extensive arrest record, but I also have 15 years experience in dispelling collective fear, despair, and lost hope.

Because I'm a mascot, and that's what we do!

Mascots have been helping large crowds cultivate their God-given enthusiasm, happiness and well-being for...um...bascially ETERNITY. SO why not on Wall Street?

This is why I'm starting my own contest: Wall Street needs a mascot. Not a bull or bear UNLESS THEY STOP TAKING THEMSELVES SO SERIOUSLY. When's the last time a mascot was 500 pounds and cast in iron?

Now, before you dismiss this as another attempt to get ladies, ask yourself: would there be so much fear and anxiety if Lehman Brothers had introduced from day one Lee-mee the Happy Cougar?

Think about it. Especially you ladies.

Baldy The Pirate.

My longtime fans all know the old mascot saying, if you don't like how a fan is behaving, hit him in the head with a nerf baseball bat.

Greenberg's show is back at the SoHo playhouse starting November something or other. Early November. at 10:30 on Saturdays. Till 2009... Come one come all.

This week's most adorable sentient being in a dickie prize goes to

The results are in...

and the finalists for the CONTEST TO NAME THE MASCOT!!! (me) are...
The Masked Musician
Ted Zeppelin
T-lite
Kid Complete
Teddy Noso’felt
Whitey McBaldstein
Terry Bradshaw
Caleb
Dr. Fuzzy
Mr. Id


Please see posts below for pictures of me with hot chicks.

Happy go lucky

If I didn't have a felony conviction, I would definitely vote for Barack Obama.

the mascots of the animal kingdom

yes, again

I need to correct that last post. I will do my best in the future to not call fans of Ted Greenbergs "cockblocks" and I won't assume I can "lean on corrections in order to keep [my] job."

further correction

It has come to my attention that although I technically am allowed to say anything I want, I am not actually "tenured" into my job and so may occasionally need to not say whatever I want, or make corrections.

me & a dude, also something else

It has come to my attention that maybe some of you assume my blog has been approved by Ted Greenberg. It hasn't been.

I'm just a mascot. Which is why I am allowed to say whatever I want.

improtant! disclaimer/correction

In a previous post or two I may have used some language that is offensive to some people.

According to the Official Mascot Glossary (OMG), "hot chick" is a beautiful lady you want to dance with and the term "cockblock" is used for any man who is with that lady.

Cockblock

See how this hot chick is looking at me? Her boyfriend tried to strangle me 5 minutes after this picture was taken.

Part of the job.

Some of the perks

A lot of people ask why someone as talented as I am would want to be a mascot. The answer is: ladies.

Note: I am the one in the middle.

Correction

It had been brought to my attention that some hot chicks I listed here are married. I did not actually go home with all of them.

Mad sexy

This girl made my whole night.

I'm noticing a theme

me and a super hot chick

Note to fans:

Ted Greenberg did NOT come home with me and this girl last night.

me and a hot chick YET AGAIN

Me and a hot chick

Big, HUGE surprises

Tonight is the final night of the Fringe Encore run! Encore encore? Remember to hold onto your wine glasses during halftime! And hide your babies!

before and after

Correction!

It been brought to my attention by an angry person that I did not put a photographer's credit on this handsome picture of me. Sorry.

I am so sexy

It's on!

The big Greenberg just e-mailed me your name suggestions for
The Contest to Name The Mascot!!!

All of you are brilliant and some of you are jerks.

Note the difference between "Whitey McBaldstein" or "Alan Greenspan" and something like "Mascot Schwarzenegger" (my suggestion).

I would however, like to thank Ted Greenberg for not including the recent audience mascot name suggestion "Douche Laser".

How he says this works: By Friday September 12 @ 11:59 pm, send Greenberg (tgreenbe@msn.com) your top choice.

Everyone gets a vote & you've gotta vote for a selection other than your own.

And the choices are...
“Kid Complete” (Jeremiah Bosgang)

Ted Zeppelin (Sean Altman);

Buckwheat (Suzette Simon);

Doug (Peter Marsh);

Ed Greenberg (Max Darwin);

Captain Improv (Susan Guidi);

Mr. Id (Jimmy Asnes);

Joe Bubble (Chris Beane);

Homunculus (George Bischof);

The All Mighty Greenberg (Alison Forns);

Headache (Katrina Borgstrum);

Cousin Marvin (David Minsky);

Kid Friendly (Lauren DeGeorge);

Alan Greenspan (Robert Hochberg);

The Masked Musician (Alfie Heinemann);

Smarty McPants (Clare Childress);

Ro Gain (Clint Greenbaum);

Soylent Green-berg (Steve Cohen);

The Lawman (Jeffrey Freymann-Weyr);

Mr. Tedberg (Angry Bob);

Ted numero dos (Hailey Boyle);

The off-velvet Fog (Simon Mandel);

Brett Favre (Jason Greenberg);

Rush More (Michael Downer):

Napolean (David Fuhrer):

Melonhead Ted (Bruce Pross);

Terry Bradshaw (Dave Gerstein);

T-Daddy (Berit Costa);

TED HEADROOM (Alex Levinsohn);

Ted’s Head (Stian);

MASCOTMOi (Tracy Veal);

Ted Greenberg (Elizabeth Margid);

Big Head Ted (Charlie Kasov, Master Lee);

Treenberg (JoAnna Beckson);

Wedgie (Alex Steyermark);

Stavros (Rich Kind);

Dickie (Matt Wayne);

Ted Head (Jennifer Bitman);

Teddy Nosofelt (Stephanie Holmes);

Nell Carter (Darrah Feldman);

Baldy the Pirate (Simon Lovell);

Dr. Fuzzy (Brandon Guyla);

Whitey McBaldstein (Soce);

Mr. Dickie (Gary Rudoren);

Greeny T (Betsy Cedar);

Jimmy Hoffa (Eva Heinemann);

Ascot the Mascot (Sean Altman);

Trevor (Erez Kreitner);

Portnoy (Rick Patrick);

T-lite (Stephen Fischbach)

Attitude adjustment

The jerk I get coffee from every morning just informed me that I am acting like less of an asshole. For his & your information, it is because I am undergoing a radical attitude adjustment in order to bring my Mascot energy into everything I do, not just when I'm "on the clock".

Also I met a lady.

Contest! A Mascot for the Presidential Candidates!

Anyone who comes up with a good name fora mascot for Obama or McCain gets a gigantic hug from Ted Greenberg.

I have not yet informed him of this contest but the man seems to be very free with hugs. Honestly he's of Mascot caliber.

photo of me and a dolphin

Eventual Correction!!

There was an error in a post Tuesday September 2. According to "law" I am not allowed to post photographs of my parole officer without his permission. I do not have photoshop on this computer but wanted to just "let his wife know" I have every intention of replacing his face with a dolphin head.

Me and my parole officer

Correction!!!!!!

It has been brought to my attention that my intern who sometimes writes for me made the following errors of judgment in the previous post:

1. As Ted Greenbegr's Mascot, I am in a supportive role and am in no way hoping to outshine Ted Greenberg.

2. Greenberg and I share fans, because "I" do not actually "exist" apart from Ted Greenberg.

3. Hunter, the beloved dog of a very special fan, is not only not gay, but also, it is irrelevant if the dog is gay or not. What is relevant is that the dog is wearing a dickie with Ted Greenberg's face on it because the dog loves and appreciates Ted Greenberg.

Our team at Ted Greenberg is very grateful for the jpeg. Looking forward to the vacation pictures also. "I" thank you.

Dog torture

How gay is this dog? Scale of 1 to 10.

1 is gay,
10 is so gay it sleeps with Ted Greenberg.

I think we should see what Greenberg's fans think.

Then tally that against what my fans think!!!

Important! correction

It has been brought to my attention by Ted Greenberg that there was a very bad typo in a previous post regarding the contest to name me, his Mascot.

In the original post, I referred to a fan's idea for my name as a "horrific idea".

That sentence should have read: "Another nonhorrific great name that only confirms the genius of Ted Greenberg's fans."

Thank you very much to the person who offered the idea that I be named "Baldy the Pirate".

Dignity

Baldy the Pirate. Another horrific idea for my name.

For the record, when Ted Greenberg and I fence, it is not a "pirate" thing. It is an expertly choreographed demonstration brought to you by a prominent member of the United States Fencing Assocation, me.