Friday, October 31, 2008

Sex costume



I'm not going to say *who* but a certain lots of people have hinted they will have sex with me in exchange for temporary use of the mascot head. And the answer is no.

(The answer is actually yes. Greenberg said no but I say yes. Please call me.)

Hallowe'en


Happy Halloween, kids! I was out sick yesterday with the tequila flu.

Halloween is a good time to see people pretending to be mascots. But the truth is, every time you see a two year year old stuffed in a pumpkin suit, he's really just an unconscious purveyor of Celtic paranoia.

I have to go put on a red leather jacket.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

What do you think?

Democracy Mascot



American democracy needs a new mascot. What KIND of mascot?

Trick question. I'm still thinking about it. For now I'll say No Mascot. Final answer. Not even this predictable break-dancing panda.

I think American voters don't need a mascot for election Day. American voters--believe it or not--will vote anyway. I'm not sure why but they seem to be a little nutty about it.

Maybe a squirrel?

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Correction: poodle



OK, Poodle Rights Watch. What I meant was I would have shot the poodle with a little baby taser gun.

Population control


A poodle named Choochy "escaped" from his family and delayed flights at Logan airport this weekend.

They couldn't catch him for SEVENTEEN HOURS. What an attention hog.

Hate to say it, but after 10 minutes I would have just shot it.

Nice publicity idea


Carnival Cruise Lines set a gigantic beach ball loose on the streets of Dallas. A pretty misleading stunt, I think. How about dropping four thousand pounds of roast beef on them and giving them 45 seconds to "see Mexico".

Friday, October 24, 2008

Correction/apology



It has been brought to my attention that the Charlie Rose interview is not actually "about" mascots nor does he ever mention "mascots."

The Mascot is mentioned on Charlie Rose!!!


Ace Greenberg talked to Charlie Rose. About 15 minutes is all about mascots.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Correction



Important correction. I sort of photoshopped the document below to make it look like it should. It doesnt actually say my name in real life.

BTM Made Ted Greenberg's Homepage!!



Who's the remanded defendant now, baby???

Saran Palin's new Leather bound mascot

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Carpetbagging Cat

The "unofficial" mascot in a Philadelphia suburb was assassinated this week. With a BB gun.

This is clearly the work of the Mascot Union.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Basically "I Have a Dream" but in a post


So the auto industry is going down the tubes a little.

Let me take this time to re-predict that by 2010 every US citizen will have an electric scooter and a bus pass.

Those of use who have had our licenses revoked for attempted vehicular manslaughter know that cars are amazing, convenient and excellent places to live temporarily, but we can live without them.
And learn some important things along the way.

Like say one day it's 78 and sunny and you're on the West Side Highway on your electric scooter heading at 20 mph to meet Ted Greenberg. And you're feeling very happy, as though life might actually be pretty good.

And just then, at a red light, a hot 23 year old girl in a Jetta looks at you, makes what you interpret to be a dismissive gross face. Which is why you jump off your electric scooter and knock on her window and ask her why she is judging you she screams and drives away. And then you get hit by a cab.

You are very upset for 3 years but then eventually you get a sense that soon you will meet someone who isn't a superficial bitch. That's what I mean about hope.

The End.

Oh wait. I think there's more. But what I'm saying is, no need to worry about how we all have no money and are going to have to sell our bodies for scrambled eggs.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Nice try though


Seems like I'm not the only one closing my hedge fund.

And no, I won't be a "mascot for the declining economy" as some assholes have suggested.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Behind the Plumber


Joe the Plumber isn't a licensed plumber. And he hasn't paid all his taxes.

This guy sounds like he's ready for mascot school!

Not for nothing, but lots of people who claim to be one thing and "aren't quite" excel at my chosen profession. Or at governing Alaska. Anyone have his e-mail address?

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Evidence!

Ted Greenberg is getting fingerprinted right now at the NYC Taxi and Limousine Commission. I tried to stop him. My parents let the police fingerprint me when I was a kid. "For fun." Cut to 15 years later, the police knocking at my door because I was in the database.

Thanks mom & dad.

Kill me


Sarah Palin is George W Bush with boobs.

Maybe W Can be her mascot.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Top Secret


Greenberg asked me not to tell too many people that he successfully completed a 7 day course at the Master Cabbie Taxi Academy.
So try not to tell too many people.

By the way, CORRECTION: those mascots on the post below are British, not gay.

How you can tell if a mascot is gay

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Correction

A few of you detail hounds have pointed out that the article may not exactly be about "what I said it was". And that the picture was of someone from the back.

mascot


This article in the New York Times is all about a Texas high school football-playing Cousin It who keeps eating his opponents.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Update


I have just learned through my sister that we are actually 25% Italian. This means I am eligible to be a golf mascot for the Calgary Italian Club.

At this time I would like to say that Ted Greenberg is a good person even though I am occasionally not. I am trying to be less offensive while I work for him on his Off Broadway Show The Complete Performer.

Two more corrections.

Two corrections:

1. That last post should have had words in it.

2. The post before that may have implied that I no longer want Italians to "exist". This is not what I intended. I was Exaggeratinglione as the Italians say. What I should have said is: I do not like my parole officer and I was hoping that he would either undergo a spiritual realignment or go extinct. Metaphorically.

Coorecction

Correction


I did not mean to imply that last week's winner of Most Adorable Sentient Being in a Ted Greenberg Dickie is my parole officer.

Extinction


So they're saying at least one in four land species on Earth face extinction in the near future. I vote that no extreme measures be taken to save whatever rare ethnic group my parole officer belongs to. Anyone second that?

Monday, October 6, 2008

Crazy makers

Over the weekend Sarah Palin said Barack Obama "pals around with terrorists." Um, does she have any sense of irony?

Someone should get a Mascot nerf hammer and bop her on the head with it.

I'm not going to get into my political beliefs (I'm voting for whoever has the best halftime show) but geez.

She's got pizazz, I'll admit that. But this whole running for Vice President of the United States thing reminds me a lot of the process of becoming a mascot. Lots of rallying crowds and distorting the truth. And you end up just as broken but without any good music.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Correction


In case anyone was confused by that last post: *I* am the good looking one.

Barracudas

Anyone watch the Vice Presidential debates last night?

Everyone calls Sarah Palin a Barracuda. Sarahcuda. (anyone else gagging?) So why don't Republicans make a Barracuda mascot for Sarah Palin?

I'll tell you why. It would scare voters. Her id is a predator. Barracudas eat babies.

Let's remember that. I'm just realizing how grateful I am to work for a man who at least knows his own mascot is a human. A very special human who is spectacularly good looking.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Mascot down!

Man Pleads Guilty For Harassing Mr Met!

Of course, leave it to the media to subtly undercut this tragedy. Mr Met is a VICTIM, and yet The Daily News calls him a "grinning humanoid".

Still, it's nice to see the law protecting Mascots for once. Doing some quick math in my head, about 100% of my friends have been on the other end of the harassment charges.