Sex costume

I'm not going to say *who* but a certain lots of people have hinted they will have sex with me in exchange for temporary use of the mascot head. And the answer is no.

(The answer is actually yes. Greenberg said no but I say yes. Please call me.)

Hallowe'en

Happy Halloween, kids! I was out sick yesterday with the tequila flu.

Halloween is a good time to see people pretending to be mascots. But the truth is, every time you see a two year year old stuffed in a pumpkin suit, he's really just an unconscious purveyor of Celtic paranoia.

I have to go put on a red leather jacket.

What do you think?

Democracy Mascot

American democracy needs a new mascot. What KIND of mascot?

Trick question. I'm still thinking about it. For now I'll say No Mascot. Final answer. Not even this predictable break-dancing panda.

I think American voters don't need a mascot for election Day. American voters--believe it or not--will vote anyway. I'm not sure why but they seem to be a little nutty about it.

Maybe a squirrel?

Correction: poodle

OK, Poodle Rights Watch. What I meant was I would have shot the poodle with a little baby taser gun.

Population control

A poodle named Choochy "escaped" from his family and delayed flights at Logan airport this weekend.

They couldn't catch him for SEVENTEEN HOURS. What an attention hog.

Hate to say it, but after 10 minutes I would have just shot it.

Nice publicity idea

Carnival Cruise Lines set a gigantic beach ball loose on the streets of Dallas. A pretty misleading stunt, I think. How about dropping four thousand pounds of roast beef on them and giving them 45 seconds to "see Mexico".

Correction/apology

It has been brought to my attention that the Charlie Rose interview is not actually "about" mascots nor does he ever mention "mascots."

The Mascot is mentioned on Charlie Rose!!!

Ace Greenberg talked to Charlie Rose. About 15 minutes is all about mascots.

Correction

Important correction. I sort of photoshopped the document below to make it look like it should. It doesnt actually say my name in real life.

BTM Made Ted Greenberg's Homepage!!

Who's the remanded defendant now, baby???

Saran Palin's new Leather bound mascot

Carpetbagging Cat

The "unofficial" mascot in a Philadelphia suburb was assassinated this week. With a BB gun.

This is clearly the work of the Mascot Union.

Basically "I Have a Dream" but in a post

So the auto industry is going down the tubes a little.

Let me take this time to re-predict that by 2010 every US citizen will have an electric scooter and a bus pass.

Those of use who have had our licenses revoked for attempted vehicular manslaughter know that cars are amazing, convenient and excellent places to live temporarily, but we can live without them.
And learn some important things along the way.

Like say one day it's 78 and sunny and you're on the West Side Highway on your electric scooter heading at 20 mph to meet Ted Greenberg. And you're feeling very happy, as though life might actually be pretty good.

And just then, at a red light, a hot 23 year old girl in a Jetta looks at you, makes what you interpret to be a dismissive gross face. Which is why you jump off your electric scooter and knock on her window and ask her why she is judging you she screams and drives away. And then you get hit by a cab.

You are very upset for 3 years but then eventually you get a sense that soon you will meet someone who isn't a superficial bitch. That's what I mean about hope.

The End.

Oh wait. I think there's more. But what I'm saying is, no need to worry about how we all have no money and are going to have to sell our bodies for scrambled eggs.

Nice try though

Seems like I'm not the only one closing my hedge fund.

And no, I won't be a "mascot for the declining economy" as some assholes have suggested.

and this week's only contestant for Most Adorable Sentient Being in a Ted Greenberg Dickie goes to...

Behind the Plumber

Joe the Plumber isn't a licensed plumber. And he hasn't paid all his taxes.

This guy sounds like he's ready for mascot school!

Not for nothing, but lots of people who claim to be one thing and "aren't quite" excel at my chosen profession. Or at governing Alaska. Anyone have his e-mail address?

Evidence!

Ted Greenberg is getting fingerprinted right now at the NYC Taxi and Limousine Commission. I tried to stop him. My parents let the police fingerprint me when I was a kid. "For fun." Cut to 15 years later, the police knocking at my door because I was in the database.

Thanks mom & dad.

Kill me

Sarah Palin is George W Bush with boobs.

Maybe W Can be her mascot.

Top Secret

Greenberg asked me not to tell too many people that he successfully completed a 7 day course at the Master Cabbie Taxi Academy.
So try not to tell too many people.

By the way, CORRECTION: those mascots on the post below are British, not gay.

How you can tell if a mascot is gay

Correction

A few of you detail hounds have pointed out that the article may not exactly be about "what I said it was". And that the picture was of someone from the back.

mascot

This article in the New York Times is all about a Texas high school football-playing Cousin It who keeps eating his opponents.

Update

I have just learned through my sister that we are actually 25% Italian. This means I am eligible to be a golf mascot for the Calgary Italian Club.

At this time I would like to say that Ted Greenberg is a good person even though I am occasionally not. I am trying to be less offensive while I work for him on his Off Broadway Show The Complete Performer.

Two more corrections.

Two corrections:

1. That last post should have had words in it.

2. The post before that may have implied that I no longer want Italians to "exist". This is not what I intended. I was Exaggeratinglione as the Italians say. What I should have said is: I do not like my parole officer and I was hoping that he would either undergo a spiritual realignment or go extinct. Metaphorically.

Coorecction

Correction

I did not mean to imply that last week's winner of Most Adorable Sentient Being in a Ted Greenberg Dickie is my parole officer.

Extinction

So they're saying at least one in four land species on Earth face extinction in the near future. I vote that no extreme measures be taken to save whatever rare ethnic group my parole officer belongs to. Anyone second that?

Crazy makers

Over the weekend Sarah Palin said Barack Obama "pals around with terrorists." Um, does she have any sense of irony?

Someone should get a Mascot nerf hammer and bop her on the head with it.

I'm not going to get into my political beliefs (I'm voting for whoever has the best halftime show) but geez.

She's got pizazz, I'll admit that. But this whole running for Vice President of the United States thing reminds me a lot of the process of becoming a mascot. Lots of rallying crowds and distorting the truth. And you end up just as broken but without any good music.

Correction

In case anyone was confused by that last post: *I* am the good looking one.

Barracudas

Anyone watch the Vice Presidential debates last night?

Everyone calls Sarah Palin a Barracuda. Sarahcuda. (anyone else gagging?) So why don't Republicans make a Barracuda mascot for Sarah Palin?

I'll tell you why. It would scare voters. Her id is a predator. Barracudas eat babies.

Let's remember that. I'm just realizing how grateful I am to work for a man who at least knows his own mascot is a human. A very special human who is spectacularly good looking.

Mascot down!

Man Pleads Guilty For Harassing Mr Met!

Of course, leave it to the media to subtly undercut this tragedy. Mr Met is a VICTIM, and yet The Daily News calls him a "grinning humanoid".

Still, it's nice to see the law protecting Mascots for once. Doing some quick math in my head, about 100% of my friends have been on the other end of the harassment charges.