Behind the Mascot

DANCING WITH THE STARS

2009-01-05T16:48:00.000-08:00

I just put in my bid to be on DWTS. Yes, I know what you're thinking: Will I be allowed to wear my mascot head while dancing with a female, even though the terms of my probation forbid it?
Probably not.

But that's what the SoHo playhouse is for. Illegal activity and fun with "Sean Connery" Greenberg.

Incidentally, these ladies are sisters.

Rioters

2008-12-31T14:15:00.000-08:00

Ever pull your hamstring and sprain your wrist while trying to escape from a mob at Ted Greenberg's off broadway show? Well, you wait yet. Those people are superbly intelligent fun loving and secretly untameable animals. This is the before shot. I am typing this with one hand and an eye patch.

my conquest of last Saturday night

2008-12-26T15:21:00.001-08:00

In fact, yes, this hot chick.

Hot chick & demystification

2008-12-19T12:24:00.000-08:00

This hot chick totally fawning over me is an oil tycoon in Mesopotamia.

Eastern European Sausage Party

2008-12-19T12:20:00.000-08:00

An unemployed war photographer took this picture after last Saturday. I am pretty sure the guy in blue used to be the President of Georgia.

Open Bar Saturday

2008-12-18T15:28:00.000-08:00

Greenberg is trying to kill me. Whenever he has open bars, the audience starts gettinga little too wild. Like less playful domesticated puppy dog-wild, more foaming at the mouth scary baby you found in the woods-wild.

But do they get more wild than the mascot, you ask?

1. of course not because
2. I have a slingshot and a drinking problem.

The end!

Boycott the New York Times

2008-12-18T15:13:00.000-08:00

This article about mascots in the New York Times is the last straw. It's an article about "mascots" with no mention of the Burger Method or ME. It's just a profile about bullshit foamy costumes. It had so little substance I'm surprised that seven foot tall blonde Style lady didnt write it.

And FYI, I went to Mascot Academy with the Rooster in this picture and he has forty five nipples.

Society, sucking of

2008-12-17T13:11:00.001-08:00

I think I can draw some major sociological conclusions just by looking at the people who decide not to have sex with me. Everyone under 30 is hot but clearly demented. Notice these 2 pictures: Before, without Greenberg: hot girls totally not interested in me. After, with Greenberg: hot girls still totally not interested in me.
I dont even need to mention the Herbinger Stuidy where it was found that 5 out of 7 children born in the tri state area in the 1980s were cocaine babies.

Correction.

2008-12-16T13:10:00.000-08:00

I mean to say: "Misters Strunk" not Mr. Strunks.

Answers to Your Questions

2008-12-16T12:53:00.000-08:00

First of all, yes, I have been "in a cave" the past 2 weeks. If by "in a cave" you mean emotionally recuperating from getting laid off at my part time gig as the Salvation Army mascot. All the better: more time to devote to BTM!

Second of all: No. I'm not "developmentally delayed", I just can't talk during my performance in THE COMPLETE PERFORMER. Even the pelvic thrusts are carefully thought out.

THIRD OF ALL, all you MR STRUNKS out there: YES, SOMETIMES I FORGET TO TAKE OFF CAPSLOCK. so what.

Bill Bradley and his mistress

2008-12-03T13:17:00.000-08:00

Me, another hot chick, and the cockblock of the evening

2008-12-03T13:09:00.000-08:00

See the way she's looking at me? You would think this would have ended at my apartment with her in my arms. Yes. Well 2 seconds after this was taken, Playboy Greenberg grabbed her ass and she fled.

Me and a hot chick, otra vez

2008-12-03T13:07:00.001-08:00

And yes, I like them both equally.

MOST IMPORTANT CORRECTION

2008-12-02T11:24:00.000-08:00

I have been informed by Greenberg that the two people to the left and right of me are not "ladies".

First of all, thanks a lot, smarty pants.

Second of all, an explanation for non-performers: the hour or two after a show is sort of like the hour or two after eating four boxes of Frosted Flakes. You're still a little messed in the head. You make questionable decisions. Sort of like you're temporarily Plaxico Burress.

Same equation, same result

2008-12-02T11:06:00.000-08:00

Me plus the sexy ladies equals baby time.

Thanksgiving Full of Hell

2008-12-01T11:39:00.000-08:00

Spend time with your family this blessed holiday? Me too. Blessed, blessed day.

Nothing more wonderful than eating and spending countless hours with Ted Greenberg, a bunch of nincompoop 5 year olds, and his bald Pinocchio.

Greenberg did not appreciate my putting Pinocchio in the oven like the Pilgrims intended. The children however, loved it.

Seriously I can't stop myself

2008-11-25T13:39:00.000-08:00

They say I am a ladies' man

2008-11-25T13:35:00.000-08:00

And they are correct. This Saturday's show was basically Christmas for all who got to witness my moves at the halftime show.... and I must say Greenberg was the non-mascot man of the night.

Me and High Art

2008-11-25T10:54:00.000-08:00

So Lee Greenwood, the guy in the American flag jumpsuit on the right who wrote the country music song "God Bless America", has been appointed by George Bush to a SIX YEAR TERM on the council for the National Endowment for the Arts.

This is excellent news for mascots. And exotic dancers. Just because we are "fun" doesn't mean we shouldn't also get government money to create our art.

I'm writing grant money applications now. Drafts to come.

Greenberg Behind A Wheel

2008-11-21T14:09:00.000-08:00

Ted Greenberg has announced officially that one (or a gang) of lucky people...person...(er?) who come to THE COMPLETE PERFORMER will be given a ride home. By him.

So you're asking...is it safe to get behind the wheel with a madman? According to the New York Taxi and Limousine Commission, absolutely.

No comment.

Mad Love For My Lady.

2008-11-19T11:14:00.000-08:00

Plus a few token men.

Oh

2008-11-19T11:05:00.001-08:00

It has been brought to my attention that my phone has been disconnected. This explains why "it has not been ringing". So for sexual requests, come see me bring the ruckus with Ted Greenberg in the Complete Performer this Saturday at 10:30 PM!

And yes, I found this picture by googling "sexy dog".

High Spirits

2008-11-19T10:59:00.000-08:00

So, last Saturday's 10:30 show at the Soho Playhouse was an ass kicking ass kicker of a good time. Many of my female groupies from the 90s came out... with their perfunctory "husbands" (I can read between the lines, ladies..you know my phone number!).

Insider Trading

2008-11-17T11:07:00.000-08:00

Ted Greenberg took me to the Knicks/Mavericks game last night as a "thank you so much for making the show so wonderful on Saturday". Actually he didn't say that but it was implied.

This morning, lo and behold, it was announced that Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban is in official trouble for insider trading.

Which is where they always get people who are associated with Dallas. Because there is no law against being a douchebag.

In more important news, there is officially nothing more retarded than the Knicks halftime Mascots. Their Halftime Advisory Board (HAB) should eliminate everything except for the Knicks City Dancers. And yes, I mean kill them.

First Major Decision

2008-11-14T11:02:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving is near. This means the Presidential Turkey pardon is also near. The Bush administration should let Barack Obama make this decision.

A few thoughts. Obama should:
1. pardon a turkey.
2. secretly send it to Gitmo.
3. let the "prisoners" adopt the turkey as an unlikely but soul-affirming pet.
4. make a hit Hollywood Movie called Cranberry, The Guantanamo Bay Turkey
5. Set the Thanksgiving Day Parade Barney float on fire

The end

Pinnochio

2008-11-11T13:41:00.000-08:00

Ted Greenberg is adding a new character to our gang at THE COMPLETE PERFORMER. A dummy. You can say that again.

I'm sorry if I think that it's CLEAR that another member of the dysfunctional family is only going to distract from its greatest asset: me.

Whatever. At least I will never have to know how it feels to have Ted Greenberg's hand up my butt.

Example of Jail Lady

2008-11-10T14:25:00.001-08:00

Matching Outfits

2008-11-10T14:07:00.000-08:00

Barack Obama and George W Bush wear the same outfits like, all the time. Is this the official US Presidential White House Tour Outfit?

It reminds me of jail. It's probably much better than regular jail. Better food and ladies.

Oh and don't touch.

2008-11-07T09:29:00.001-08:00

That just means, no grabbing the breasts of young women, even if you ARE wearing gorilla hands. They are still technically “your hands” in a court of law.

See this gorilla gently explaining the law to a convicted felon.

Behind the Ambulance

2008-11-07T09:17:00.000-08:00

I think this Behind The Mascot post from August makes this point:

"We mascots have a saying: Don’t eat, don’t touch. That just means, no snacking in your mascot mask. Several of us have choked to death that way. Sandy Anders was dead for 49 minutes and four thousand people stood by and laughed and whooped and clapped and did the wave, thinking the giant rooster was making a dramatic comment on their `deadness'."

I think I said it best in 1996: "I am the only person worth quoting."

Mascot Food My Ass

2008-11-07T09:09:00.000-08:00

This is Greenberg's breakdown for his show (Opening this Saturday at 10:30 PM!! at the soho playhouse!). The man has no respect for me or mascots in general. None.

Rachel Maddow

2008-11-05T14:45:00.000-08:00

In this article on Rachel Maddow in New York magazine, the MSNBC host admits to once dressing as a Mascot! In a calculator costume. What a beautiful combination. Brains and Mascot Pride.

I've met many calculator mascots in my day--and even the lesbians make an exception in my case. I'm just saying.

Hello and yes

2008-11-05T14:35:00.001-08:00

As someone who can't legally *vote* in the United States, I'd like to say I am especially proud of everyone who voted Republican. Because it takes balls to not know what you're doing.

I should note that I have been arrested several times by Republicans.

What the hell is McCain doing in this bunny costume?

Thank Fucking God

2008-11-05T14:32:00.000-08:00

Minor correction

2008-11-04T09:26:00.001-08:00

In my previous advice column I poked fun at "Ted" for using the term "mascot head", a term that only dingbats use. Some of you pointed out that I used that term 2 posts ago. Some of you should stick with what you know. Like how to chase a poodle around for 17 hours.

New! Advice Column!

2008-11-04T09:10:00.000-08:00

The time has come. You knew it would. The Mascot Advice Column. Look for it every Tuesday.

Dear Mascot,

The inside of my mascot head has become odorous through use. Can you recommend a disinfectant and de-oderizer that won’t damage the foam or the padding?

Ted

Dear "Ted",

Thank you for your question. First I would recommend that you stop using words that show you have no idea idea what you're talking about. When you say "mascot head", I believe what you mean to say is the POSTERIOR VENTRAL FACE MASK. Where "face" is pronounced, "fah-chay". Like PACE, the universal Italian call for communism.

That said: Febreze, Downy dryer inserts, and a 6 month supply of Sham WOW.

Please write again; I know everything.

Mascot Greenberg

Sex costume

2008-10-31T13:54:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to say *who* but a certain lots of people have hinted they will have sex with me in exchange for temporary use of the mascot head. And the answer is no.

(The answer is actually yes. Greenberg said no but I say yes. Please call me.)

Hallowe'en

2008-10-31T13:37:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween, kids! I was out sick yesterday with the tequila flu.

Halloween is a good time to see people pretending to be mascots. But the truth is, every time you see a two year year old stuffed in a pumpkin suit, he's really just an unconscious purveyor of Celtic paranoia.

I have to go put on a red leather jacket.

What do you think?

2008-10-29T13:47:00.000-07:00

Democracy Mascot

2008-10-29T13:29:00.000-07:00

American democracy needs a new mascot. What KIND of mascot?

Trick question. I'm still thinking about it. For now I'll say No Mascot. Final answer. Not even this predictable break-dancing panda.

I think American voters don't need a mascot for election Day. American voters--believe it or not--will vote anyway. I'm not sure why but they seem to be a little nutty about it.

Maybe a squirrel?

Correction: poodle

2008-10-28T07:49:00.000-07:00

OK, Poodle Rights Watch. What I meant was I would have shot the poodle with a little baby taser gun.

Population control

2008-10-28T07:41:00.000-07:00

A poodle named Choochy "escaped" from his family and delayed flights at Logan airport this weekend.

They couldn't catch him for SEVENTEEN HOURS. What an attention hog.

Hate to say it, but after 10 minutes I would have just shot it.

Nice publicity idea

2008-10-28T07:31:00.000-07:00

Carnival Cruise Lines set a gigantic beach ball loose on the streets of Dallas. A pretty misleading stunt, I think. How about dropping four thousand pounds of roast beef on them and giving them 45 seconds to "see Mexico".

Correction/apology

2008-10-24T13:36:00.000-07:00

It has been brought to my attention that the Charlie Rose interview is not actually "about" mascots nor does he ever mention "mascots."

The Mascot is mentioned on Charlie Rose!!!

2008-10-24T13:28:00.000-07:00

Ace Greenberg talked to Charlie Rose. About 15 minutes is all about mascots.

Correction

2008-10-23T14:21:00.000-07:00

Important correction. I sort of photoshopped the document below to make it look like it should. It doesnt actually say my name in real life.

BTM Made Ted Greenberg's Homepage!!

2008-10-23T14:14:00.000-07:00

Who's the remanded defendant now, baby???

Saran Palin's new Leather bound mascot

2008-10-23T14:10:00.001-07:00

Carpetbagging Cat

2008-10-22T13:29:00.000-07:00

The "unofficial" mascot in a Philadelphia suburb was assassinated this week. With a BB gun.

This is clearly the work of the Mascot Union.

Basically "I Have a Dream" but in a post

2008-10-21T12:31:00.001-07:00

So the auto industry is going down the tubes a little.

Let me take this time to re-predict that by 2010 every US citizen will have an electric scooter and a bus pass.

Those of use who have had our licenses revoked for attempted vehicular manslaughter know that cars are amazing, convenient and excellent places to live temporarily, but we can live without them.
And learn some important things along the way.

Like say one day it's 78 and sunny and you're on the West Side Highway on your electric scooter heading at 20 mph to meet Ted Greenberg. And you're feeling very happy, as though life might actually be pretty good.

And just then, at a red light, a hot 23 year old girl in a Jetta looks at you, makes what you interpret to be a dismissive gross face. Which is why you jump off your electric scooter and knock on her window and ask her why she is judging you she screams and drives away. And then you get hit by a cab.

You are very upset for 3 years but then eventually you get a sense that soon you will meet someone who isn't a superficial bitch. That's what I mean about hope.

The End.

Oh wait. I think there's more. But what I'm saying is, no need to worry about how we all have no money and are going to have to sell our bodies for scrambled eggs.

Nice try though

2008-10-20T12:29:00.000-07:00

Seems like I'm not the only one closing my hedge fund.

And no, I won't be a "mascot for the declining economy" as some assholes have suggested.

and this week's only contestant for Most Adorable Sentient Being in a Ted Greenberg Dickie goes to...

2008-10-17T10:05:00.000-07:00

Behind the Plumber

2008-10-16T13:03:00.000-07:00

Joe the Plumber isn't a licensed plumber. And he hasn't paid all his taxes.

This guy sounds like he's ready for mascot school!

Not for nothing, but lots of people who claim to be one thing and "aren't quite" excel at my chosen profession. Or at governing Alaska. Anyone have his e-mail address?

Evidence!

2008-10-14T11:08:00.000-07:00

Ted Greenberg is getting fingerprinted right now at the NYC Taxi and Limousine Commission. I tried to stop him. My parents let the police fingerprint me when I was a kid. "For fun." Cut to 15 years later, the police knocking at my door because I was in the database.

Thanks mom & dad.

Kill me

2008-10-14T11:06:00.000-07:00

Sarah Palin is George W Bush with boobs.

Maybe W Can be her mascot.

Top Secret

2008-10-10T12:42:00.000-07:00

Greenberg asked me not to tell too many people that he successfully completed a 7 day course at the Master Cabbie Taxi Academy.
So try not to tell too many people.

By the way, CORRECTION: those mascots on the post below are British, not gay.

How you can tell if a mascot is gay

2008-10-10T12:40:00.000-07:00

Correction

2008-10-08T09:28:00.001-07:00

A few of you detail hounds have pointed out that the article may not exactly be about "what I said it was". And that the picture was of someone from the back.

mascot

2008-10-08T09:19:00.000-07:00

This article in the New York Times is all about a Texas high school football-playing Cousin It who keeps eating his opponents.

Update

2008-10-07T14:08:00.000-07:00

I have just learned through my sister that we are actually 25% Italian. This means I am eligible to be a golf mascot for the Calgary Italian Club.

At this time I would like to say that Ted Greenberg is a good person even though I am occasionally not. I am trying to be less offensive while I work for him on his Off Broadway Show The Complete Performer.

Two more corrections.

2008-10-07T14:02:00.002-07:00

Two corrections:

1. That last post should have had words in it.

2. The post before that may have implied that I no longer want Italians to "exist". This is not what I intended. I was Exaggeratinglione as the Italians say. What I should have said is: I do not like my parole officer and I was hoping that he would either undergo a spiritual realignment or go extinct. Metaphorically.

Coorecction

2008-10-07T14:02:00.001-07:00

Correction

2008-10-07T14:00:00.000-07:00

I did not mean to imply that last week's winner of Most Adorable Sentient Being in a Ted Greenberg Dickie is my parole officer.

Extinction

2008-10-07T13:55:00.000-07:00

So they're saying at least one in four land species on Earth face extinction in the near future. I vote that no extreme measures be taken to save whatever rare ethnic group my parole officer belongs to. Anyone second that?

Crazy makers

2008-10-06T13:07:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend Sarah Palin said Barack Obama "pals around with terrorists." Um, does she have any sense of irony?

Someone should get a Mascot nerf hammer and bop her on the head with it.

I'm not going to get into my political beliefs (I'm voting for whoever has the best halftime show) but geez.

She's got pizazz, I'll admit that. But this whole running for Vice President of the United States thing reminds me a lot of the process of becoming a mascot. Lots of rallying crowds and distorting the truth. And you end up just as broken but without any good music.

Correction

2008-10-03T11:29:00.001-07:00

In case anyone was confused by that last post: *I* am the good looking one.

Barracudas

2008-10-03T11:20:00.000-07:00

Anyone watch the Vice Presidential debates last night?

Everyone calls Sarah Palin a Barracuda. Sarahcuda. (anyone else gagging?) So why don't Republicans make a Barracuda mascot for Sarah Palin?

I'll tell you why. It would scare voters. Her id is a predator. Barracudas eat babies.

Let's remember that. I'm just realizing how grateful I am to work for a man who at least knows his own mascot is a human. A very special human who is spectacularly good looking.

Mascot down!

2008-10-01T12:10:00.001-07:00

Man Pleads Guilty For Harassing Mr Met!

Of course, leave it to the media to subtly undercut this tragedy. Mr Met is a VICTIM, and yet The Daily News calls him a "grinning humanoid".

Still, it's nice to see the law protecting Mascots for once. Doing some quick math in my head, about 100% of my friends have been on the other end of the harassment charges.

Wall Street's newest mascot

2008-09-29T14:16:00.000-07:00

OK, we're going to need a 3rd grader to dress up like a puppy and become WALL STREET'S CUTEST MASCOT EVER. Like I said, crisis relief is my middle name. Because I'm a mascot.

That's what I'm here for.

I'm high fiving you right now.

Name suggestions?

Nutty the Squirrel!

2008-09-29T14:14:00.000-07:00

I think this may be a better mascot for when you get a subpoena.

Mascot to the Rescue!

2008-09-29T14:08:00.001-07:00

OK, so there won't be a bailout. However, there will be hope! Because Wall Street's getting a new mascot! It's gonna be me! For now. Until you guys think of a new mascot.

Ideas?

Subpoenas

2008-09-29T11:12:00.000-07:00

So Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac got subpoenas . My heart goes out to them. Getting a subpoena is like getting made love to in the ear by a confused squirrel.

Don't sleep outside.

Elephonkey

2008-09-26T08:48:00.000-07:00

The Democratic Debate is ON tonight. I can't believe they plan to show this thing without a mascot.

John McCain vs Barack Obama in a debate without a mascot is like watching my grandpa get attacked by ninjas without a mascot.

How about a half donkey half elephant, Albert the Elephonkey. And some cheerleaders in tank tops.

And this week's most adorable sentient being in a dickie award goes to...

2008-09-26T08:46:00.000-07:00

Caleb Perelman Bosgang, age 6;
Ted Greenberg Fan.

Fatwa!

2008-09-24T12:09:00.000-07:00

Salman Rushdie now has some distinguished company: Mickey Mouse is on the Islamic hit list! Apparently, a Saudi cleric declared Mickey Mouse an agent of Satan.

That doesn't sound real, does it? Well Fox reported it! So it's probably not.

But in any case. My fellow Mascots at Disney may be in danger!

Elegant, Bloodthirsty, yet Friendly

2008-09-23T09:15:00.000-07:00

See what I mean? Tell me this is not a good idea.

Just look at the miracles I have worked for Ted Greenberg!

Saving the world, me

2008-09-23T08:56:00.000-07:00

Usually I don't weigh in on big issues, but crisis work in public relations needs some innovation.

I may have an extensive arrest record, but I also have 15 years experience in dispelling collective fear, despair, and lost hope.

Because I'm a mascot, and that's what we do!

Mascots have been helping large crowds cultivate their God-given enthusiasm, happiness and well-being for...um...bascially ETERNITY. SO why not on Wall Street?

This is why I'm starting my own contest: Wall Street needs a mascot. Not a bull or bear UNLESS THEY STOP TAKING THEMSELVES SO SERIOUSLY. When's the last time a mascot was 500 pounds and cast in iron?

Now, before you dismiss this as another attempt to get ladies, ask yourself: would there be so much fear and anxiety if Lehman Brothers had introduced from day one Lee-mee the Happy Cougar?

Think about it. Especially you ladies.

Baldy The Pirate.

2008-09-22T12:05:00.000-07:00

My longtime fans all know the old mascot saying, if you don't like how a fan is behaving, hit him in the head with a nerf baseball bat.

Greenberg's show is back at the SoHo playhouse starting November something or other. Early November. at 10:30 on Saturdays. Till 2009... Come one come all.

This week's most adorable sentient being in a dickie prize goes to

2008-09-19T07:41:00.001-07:00

The results are in...

2008-09-19T07:41:00.000-07:00

and the finalists for the CONTEST TO NAME THE MASCOT!!! (me) are...
The Masked Musician
Ted Zeppelin
T-lite
Kid Complete
Teddy Noso’felt
Whitey McBaldstein
Terry Bradshaw
Caleb
Dr. Fuzzy
Mr. Id

Please see posts below for pictures of me with hot chicks.

Happy go lucky

2008-09-18T14:02:00.002-07:00

If I didn't have a felony conviction, I would definitely vote for Barack Obama.

the mascots of the animal kingdom

2008-09-18T14:02:00.001-07:00

yes, again

2008-09-17T14:46:00.001-07:00

I need to correct that last post. I will do my best in the future to not call fans of Ted Greenbergs "cockblocks" and I won't assume I can "lean on corrections in order to keep [my] job."

further correction

2008-09-17T14:44:00.000-07:00

It has come to my attention that although I technically am allowed to say anything I want, I am not actually "tenured" into my job and so may occasionally need to not say whatever I want, or make corrections.

me & a dude, also something else

2008-09-17T14:40:00.000-07:00

It has come to my attention that maybe some of you assume my blog has been approved by Ted Greenberg. It hasn't been.

I'm just a mascot. Which is why I am allowed to say whatever I want.

improtant! disclaimer/correction

2008-09-17T14:35:00.001-07:00

In a previous post or two I may have used some language that is offensive to some people.

According to the Official Mascot Glossary (OMG), "hot chick" is a beautiful lady you want to dance with and the term "cockblock" is used for any man who is with that lady.

Cockblock

2008-09-17T09:52:00.000-07:00

See how this hot chick is looking at me? Her boyfriend tried to strangle me 5 minutes after this picture was taken.

Part of the job.

Some of the perks

2008-09-17T09:50:00.000-07:00

A lot of people ask why someone as talented as I am would want to be a mascot. The answer is: ladies.

Note: I am the one in the middle.

Correction

2008-09-15T10:56:00.000-07:00

It had been brought to my attention that some hot chicks I listed here are married. I did not actually go home with all of them.

Mad sexy

2008-09-15T10:51:00.000-07:00

This girl made my whole night.

I'm noticing a theme

2008-09-15T10:50:00.001-07:00

me and a super hot chick

2008-09-15T10:47:00.001-07:00

Note to fans:

Ted Greenberg did NOT come home with me and this girl last night.

me and a hot chick YET AGAIN

2008-09-15T10:45:00.000-07:00

Me and a hot chick

2008-09-15T10:42:00.001-07:00

Big, HUGE surprises

2008-09-14T15:02:00.000-07:00

Tonight is the final night of the Fringe Encore run! Encore encore? Remember to hold onto your wine glasses during halftime! And hide your babies!

before and after

2008-09-12T13:17:00.000-07:00

Correction!

2008-09-09T13:12:00.000-07:00

It been brought to my attention by an angry person that I did not put a photographer's credit on this handsome picture of me. Sorry.

I am so sexy

2008-09-09T13:11:00.000-07:00

It's on!

2008-09-08T12:26:00.000-07:00

The big Greenberg just e-mailed me your name suggestions for
The Contest to Name The Mascot!!!

All of you are brilliant and some of you are jerks.

Note the difference between "Whitey McBaldstein" or "Alan Greenspan" and something like "Mascot Schwarzenegger" (my suggestion).

I would however, like to thank Ted Greenberg for not including the recent audience mascot name suggestion "Douche Laser".

How he says this works: By Friday September 12 @ 11:59 pm, send Greenberg (tgreenbe@msn.com) your top choice.

Everyone gets a vote & you've gotta vote for a selection other than your own.

And the choices are...
“Kid Complete” (Jeremiah Bosgang)

Ted Zeppelin (Sean Altman);

Buckwheat (Suzette Simon);

Doug (Peter Marsh);

Ed Greenberg (Max Darwin);

Captain Improv (Susan Guidi);

Mr. Id (Jimmy Asnes);

Joe Bubble (Chris Beane);

Homunculus (George Bischof);

The All Mighty Greenberg (Alison Forns);

Headache (Katrina Borgstrum);

Cousin Marvin (David Minsky);

Kid Friendly (Lauren DeGeorge);

Alan Greenspan (Robert Hochberg);

The Masked Musician (Alfie Heinemann);

Smarty McPants (Clare Childress);

Ro Gain (Clint Greenbaum);

Soylent Green-berg (Steve Cohen);

The Lawman (Jeffrey Freymann-Weyr);

Mr. Tedberg (Angry Bob);

Ted numero dos (Hailey Boyle);

The off-velvet Fog (Simon Mandel);

Brett Favre (Jason Greenberg);

Rush More (Michael Downer):

Napolean (David Fuhrer):

Melonhead Ted (Bruce Pross);

Terry Bradshaw (Dave Gerstein);

T-Daddy (Berit Costa);

TED HEADROOM (Alex Levinsohn);

Ted’s Head (Stian);

MASCOTMOi (Tracy Veal);

Ted Greenberg (Elizabeth Margid);

Big Head Ted (Charlie Kasov, Master Lee);

Treenberg (JoAnna Beckson);

Wedgie (Alex Steyermark);

Stavros (Rich Kind);

Dickie (Matt Wayne);

Ted Head (Jennifer Bitman);

Teddy Nosofelt (Stephanie Holmes);

Nell Carter (Darrah Feldman);

Baldy the Pirate (Simon Lovell);

Dr. Fuzzy (Brandon Guyla);

Whitey McBaldstein (Soce);

Mr. Dickie (Gary Rudoren);

Greeny T (Betsy Cedar);

Jimmy Hoffa (Eva Heinemann);

Ascot the Mascot (Sean Altman);

Trevor (Erez Kreitner);

Portnoy (Rick Patrick);

T-lite (Stephen Fischbach)

Attitude adjustment

2008-09-05T09:07:00.000-07:00

The jerk I get coffee from every morning just informed me that I am acting like less of an asshole. For his & your information, it is because I am undergoing a radical attitude adjustment in order to bring my Mascot energy into everything I do, not just when I'm "on the clock".

Also I met a lady.